I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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