so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
