Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
