Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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