having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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