I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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