There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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