I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
