I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
