my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
