i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
