my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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