My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
