Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize