tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
