You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
