508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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