White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
