im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
it's like iHOP with fire
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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