new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
