2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize