I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
