I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
