Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize