My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
