worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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