We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
