it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
