im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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