and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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