I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just want to make out with him forever
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
