he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
