I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
