god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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