she was so not down for the gang bang
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
