I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Watching her eat just hurts me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
