two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
