just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
