She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
