Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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