How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
