somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
