Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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