so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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