I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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