Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
