the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
