Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
