Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
