We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Randomize