i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
