so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
