maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
