my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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