K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
