There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize