She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
